Pepsi

Couldn’t resist taking a picture of Pepsi whilst she slept on a towel on a chair:

No stomach for London

I found this on an interesting blog today and it made me laugh so I had to display it here:

If only I’d had this when I first moved to London…

Personally though I think if you turned it clockwise 90 degrees, it’s a dead ringer for those ‘Digestive System’ diagrams we used to get at school!

Going Underground!

A day out in the City at the weekend is not something I’ll be doing again soon. Simply – there’s just too many people, who all seem to be standing around wondering where to go, looking at maps etc.

Not sure what I was expecting though. Perhaps I was a little naive. Well that wouldn’t be the first time and certainly won’t be the last.

After looking at TFL website (Transport for London) to see what Tube lines were down and seeing that most of them had engineering works at some point, I decided to that it wasn’t worth going into the City afterall as it’d be too much trouble. Compounding this was the trainline from Brentford to Waterloo undergoing some mechanical works at Barnes resulting in a rail-replacement service. I don’t like rail-replacement services as Barnes had a similar situation last month and it added over an hour to what is a 35 minute journey. I’m not having a dig at the SouthWest Trains; upkeep and updates have to be done and they do supply a replacement service but it’s not for me.

That font of London knowledge though – NG suggested I get the 267 to Hammersmith and then get the Tube from there to Covent Garden (the closest Underground station to the London Transport Museum) as there were no works taking place in between the two stations. This is what I did.

The LTM is relatively close to Covent Garden so off I ventured in the general direction of where I thought it was. Again, I was surprised (although in hindsight, I don’t know why) that there were massive crowds that I had trouble getting through. When I got to the LTM, there was a big queue. Again I was surprised as I don’t know who’d like to see information about buses, trains and the underground and the history thereof – maybe G would but not many other people I know would. In the queue were a few ‘types’.

• Middle aged men in pairs or small groups
• Families with copious children
• Me

Quite irritating, and something I only found out when the queue got to the ticket office inside the building was that some people were going into the gift shop and then standing near the front of the queue in order to push in instead of waiting in line. This makes me angry. One man, with his son were milling around doing this very thing just in front of me. The man, aware that he was a wanker and was trying to join the queue was looking a bit sheepish and not meeting my eye. I made sure I stood out of the queue a little bit and stood in front of him. He didn’t complain and there’s no way he would have either. Does that make me sound horrible? If it does, I don’t care – people who push in irritate me.

In the end, I queued up for about 35 minutes and it was very cold and windy but HEY! I was going to see exciting things! woohoo!

I have to say I was a little disappointed at the Museum. What I like in a museum are of course, interesting things to look at but also information and the history of what I’m looking at. Something that makes you open your eyes and go ‘Wow’. If you go to LTM, don’t expect much of this. Simply putting some buses and trains in a building does not (for me) make for an interesting time.

The museum was very colourful and very ‘hands-on’ with lots of things that you could touch and press etc. Whenever I see museums like that, it usually means that it’s aimed at a younger audience and this, for me, was why I didn’t enjoy the museum. Perhaps I was expecting too much from it, I’m not sure. I only know that I came out feeling a little empty.

There’s wasn’t much to read, not much history to be amazed at. It’s a very young oriented museum which is ironic I think as I believe a lot of the older people who go there are going there to take a trip down memory lane and the children aren’t really bothered, they just want to jump into the seat of a London bus or run up and down the stairs of an old Route Master. I think the LTM have gotten it wrong. Maybe I generalise and maybe I’m wrong.

what I did like was that you could go on a few of the (sections of) trains and buses that they had so you could get a feel of the transport in years gone by. This was the only time that my mind was transported (no pun intended) to another place, however, you could only stand in certain sections of the trains and buses, for example, on an old Route Master bus:

you could only stand on the platform on the back and peer in instead of walking around. The reasons for this are of course obvious but I found it stifling. In fairness to the museum, I’m not sure how they could open the whole bus without it getting ruined by the public but I found it annoying to be denied exploring the exhibits fully.

Ding ding – ‘all aboard the Skylark’

'Is it far to Tucumcari?'

'I couldn't help hearing you're going to Tucumcari. I peddle magazines around here, and I better tell you you're on the wrong train.
I think the nearest stop to Tucumcari is Amarillo. By getting off at Sante Fe and returning by way of Amarillo...you should be able to get right where you're going.
You see, the train doesn't stop at Tucumcari.'

'This train'll stop at Tucumcari.'         This is the old Covent Garden Flower Market, quite famous apparently - about 100 or so yards from the museum.  Are you type of person who is likely to say:

1. ‘Oh the Christmas decorations at the Flower Market this year are simply marvelous.’
2. ‘Darling, we simply must do lunch at the Flower Market.’
3. ‘Euuw, YUK!’
4. ‘Bah, Humbug, a plague on all your houses.’

I am probably number three (with touches of four)

Saturday!

RARR RARR RARR! It’s Saturday – how exciting!

One glance at the TV schedule tells me that the BBC still haven’t brought back Swap Shop, (the fools!) which means that I’m going to have to go out to get some Lix kicks!

I have my Oyster card – I can go anywhere!

*Lix’s brain* – ‘Stop writing a blog entry and go adventuring.’

M’off!

Le Weekend

Well, well, well it’s Friday again. Who’d have thought it? And only a mere seven days since last Friday.

It’s been a good week. These days and weeks seem to going so very quickly at the moment.

Last Friday so a good day, despite it being the day when everyone goes mental for Children in Need. Being the grumpy bastard that I am, I hate this day and everything surrounding it. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind donating money to them, or any other charity, and I do regularly. However, Children in Need and its poor relative Red Nose Day drive me sit on the floor with my head between my knees rocking backwards and forwards, emitting a low groan. I just wish they’d say ‘Give us some money’ instead hilariously dressing up in a fox costume shaking a bucket at me. Friday was different.

I got on the train at Brentford feeling rather happy, for no reason. After checking out the stopping train for spare seats as the carriages went past me on the station, I decided on the last but one carriage. GREAT! There was a double seat that was empty – Woohoo! I could sit by the window. As I took off my coat I noticed a pound coin in between the seats! GET IN! Then as I sat down I noticed another one, happily waiting for me to pick it up! RESULT! £2 for meeeeee!

I got off at Waterloo and crammed in with the skinjobs funneling down the stairs to the Underground and at the bottom was a woman shaking one of weirdly shaped plastic containers. What a dummy! Standing right in front of the stairs with hordes of skinjobs coming at her! Anyone stopping would just get in the way of the masses behing them. Then, WAIT! I remembered the £2 in my pocket and decided to give it to her – and ask ‘How much for a shag love?’ Well, not really, but I did want to give her the £2 but the crowds meant I couldn’t turn back. So, being the incredible philanthropist that I am, decided not to buy a previously intended coffee but would give the money to the first charity person I encountered.

No one came. I saw not one charity volunteer. I had the £2 on my desk all day. I had mentally prepared myself to deal with giant rabbits walking around the office being wacky! All was good though as I was able to donate the money (someone else’s if you remember) to a volunteer at Waterloo on the way home. He was dressed as a cat!

Volunteers for charities are incredibly irritating up by Angel Tube station. There’s a different set of volunteers for a particular charity there everyday. Again, it’s not that I mind giving money to charity but a fair few of these people are extremely pushy. I saw one man stand in front of an approaching girl by holding his arms out and saying ’stop, stop STOP!’ Later when I saw him again, he was doing the same thing. A couple of weeks before, I was caught off-guard (I think I was standing still delving in my bag or something) when a Samaritans volunteer starting asking me questions.

‘Hi there’

FUCK! *note to self – open your eyes in futures, spazmo* ‘Umm, hello.’

‘Have you ever heard of the Samaritans?’

No, I live in an igloo in Greenland ‘Yeah.’

‘Do you know how many calls the Samaritans deal with per year? Or the overheads involved in other work?’ Oh of course, I was reading ‘Quarterly Statistics for Registered Charities’ only yesterday! ‘Not really, no.’

He explained it all and I listened.

Then he asked:

‘Would you be willing to donate an amount to the Samaritans?’

I said I would (I like the Samaritans and think they do a great job)

The volunteer then asked ‘Can I just take some bank details so that you can make a regular donation every month?’ Oh right, shall I just bend over for you right here?

Of course I didn’t give them to him but asked if he had any literature or a card with details so I could make a donation online.

He gave me a sad look as if to say ‘I’ve spent the last five minutes talking to you and now you’re pretending to be interested so you can get away!’

I promised that I would donate something and went along on my ‘tra la la-ing’ along.

He seemed happy at my promise to donate something. Even though I haven’t done so yet, I do intend to.

“I don’t like to talk about my chariteee work, mate!’

Lix’s miscellany

NG recently bought an old copy of ‘Hollywood Babylon’ by Kenneth Anger. (great name!)

I remember seeing this years ago in my local library in Solihull. It was in the ‘Grown Up’ section and at the time I only looked at the pictures of dead people on kitchen floors, hanging out of cars and with their eyes shot out – for instance, gangster Busgy Seigel

He was shot while sitting by a window reading the New York Times.

One of the .30-caliber bullets smashed the bridge of Siegel’s nose, the impact and pressure blowing Siegel’s left eyeball out of socket, where it was found intact, 14 feet away from the body. EEUUW!

In the book there’s a great quote from Mae West which I could relate to after moving to London.

On arrival to Hollywood in 1932 -

“I’m not a little girl from a little town makin’ good in a big town. I’m a big girl from a big town makin’ good in a little town.”

I’ve a new respect for Mae West after reading about her.

After reading the book, I found that I wasn’t shocked at all by the depravities and vagaries of excess displayed by denizens of Hollywood over the last 80 years or so. I have no faith in Humankind.

One of the most chilling moments I’ve had over the last few months is listening to Koyaanisqatsi whilst negotiating my way through the London Underground and London streets full of people and pollution. Images of the film kept springing to mind. It truly scared me.

OOOOOOH 19:53 COME ON ENGLAND!

WELL, FINE!

I stumbled upon this little domestic disaster a while ago but can only now bring myself to talk about it.

An innocent scene you may think. Think again dear reader!

Look how Nivea has turned away from Dispenser, resolutely not even recognising her existence. I wonder what happened?

Dispenser also seems to be taking the opportunity to stick her tongue out at Nivea. What a bitch!

Personally, I think Dispenser is jealous of Nivea’s arrival on her turf. Nivea just wants to be friends but oh no, not as far as Dispenser’s concerned. She wants to be top dog!

One can only wonder at what happened between these two drama queens before my arrival on the scene.

Lix and the City. Part three

Part of my day was spent in the ‘Winston Churchill’s Britain at War Experience Museum.’

I walked past it and thought, ‘Oooh, this might be good’. It was okay, small but okay, but at £9.90 per person, I would think so.

I was pleased though when the woman behind the kiosk had a broad Cockney accent. Anything else wouldn’t seem right.

I asked her how long it would all take. She replied ‘About 90 minutes.’ I came out after about 40 minutes thinking ‘90 minutes? Yeah, if you broke your leg and couldn’t walk maybe!’

‘Alright mate? You look bored.’

‘Yeah, I am a bit.’

‘Shall I phone Hugh Grant and tell him you’ve nicked his hair?’

‘Ha! Shall I phone Wilfred Bramble and tell him you’ve nicked HIS?!’

‘Touche.’

‘How long’ave you been working here?’

‘Oh, I forget, quite a while.’

‘Weren’t you in Captain Scarlet?’

‘Yeah, I WAS Captain Scarlet’.

‘What happened after that?

‘Well, the show ended abruptly due to in-bickering – especially by that awful overacting ham, Captain White!’

‘Been in anything else?’

‘I had a small part in Terrorhawks in the eighties and was ’second shop dummy on the right’ in Mannequin, remember that? More recently, I’ve been in a couple of episodes of Dr Who where I got to grope Billie Piper – Phoar!’

‘Nice. What’re you listening to?’

‘Echo and the Bunnymen.’

‘Good taste. Anyhooo, I’d better be off to see the rest of museum, I think I can hear a party of school children behind me.’

‘FUCK!’

Next I decided to go wandering around London and ended up in Baker Street. Then walked to Tottenham Court Road.

‘What a nice street, I wonder how much houses cost in this part of Lond..WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT MONSTROSITY? JESUS CHRIST…Oh, it’s only the BT Tower!’

You have to admit, it’s ugly!

I’d walked for miles through London and really wanted to go home. So, I did.

Part of the tunnel leading to and from Bank. I’d never seen it empty before so I took a pic.

This concludes my Friday adventure.

I got home, phoned the local hairdressers and asked if I could come straight down and get my head shaved.

I could and I did.

Lix and the City. Part two

So, where was I? Oh yes, I’d just seen that massive erection – the Gherkin. Come on, I’d love to have seen the reaction if that building had been designed by a woman!

Next up was the Lloyd’s building, which is a bit of an oddity really. Bit like a crustacean with its skeleton on the outside.

Next to the Lloyds building was another building under construction which looked like a square mushroom

I bet Roly Poly Ollie doesn’t eat square mushrooms in his freaky little world.

The facade of the old Lloyd’s building is in front of the new one.

One of the things about travelling around London on the Tube is that you don’t fully appreciate just how small it is. Most of the sites in the City are within 45 minutes walk.

I strolled along the streets dodging tourists of which, astonishingly, I was one! I’ve lived about 100 miles away from London for most of my life and this was the first time I was seeing all these sites.

I took the pic below from London Bridge. I was on the phone at the time.

Oh yeah, I can multi-task with the best of them.

Yes, this is for you.

I’m bored now. I’m going to have a bath.

Friday Adventure, part one – Lix and the City

Yay. I had last Friday off. This was for no other reason than to go adventuring around London.

I hadn’t been to the City (other than to work) for a couple of weeks, due mainly to the state of the Underground at weekends and my having other things to do – like go out on Claudia and generally spaz around being all lollopy. I was going to go last weekend but I’d heard on the radio that the NHS were revolting and roaming around the City in large packs. In light of this, I decided not to chance contracting MRSA and went to Hounslow, although, as NG keeps telling me, it is Chav Central, I quite like it. I like listening to the kids on the bus.

An actual overheard conversation:

The scene – A 235 bus heading inexorably towards Hounslow shopping Centre

Dramatis Personae -

A young, white cap, tracksuit wearing, spotty faced male, speaking into his phone. Age- approximately 25

The young man’s friend on the other end of the phone who’s only speech is a series of barely audible ‘meeeee, meeee, mee, meeeeee’s’ coming out of the phone.

‘meeee.’

‘Wassup dude?’

‘mee mee me.’

‘Ona bus’

‘meeeee.’

‘Yeah man, 235?’

‘mee meeeee.’

‘By Hounslow, innit’.

‘meeee’

‘Dunno, man, wotcha doin’?’.

‘meeeeeeeeeeee’

‘Yeah, man. Wanna do sumfin?’

‘meeee, meeeeeeeeeeee’.

‘Got any new X-box games?’

‘meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.’

‘Ahh man! Innit!’

‘meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, meeeeeeeee’

‘Delta Force? Wikkid man!’

‘meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.’

‘Fuckin’ wikkid, man, know wot I mean?’

‘meeeeeeeeee meeeeeeeee’

‘Be there about ten, innit.’

Well, yes, as you can see he was an erudite young man although speaking out loud on a bus wasn’t as anti social as this next person was cheeky!

I was standing at the bus stop next to an old lady, who was smoking. Up strolls this young girl of about 14/15 I’d say. She had her head tilted to one side, holding a phone to her head.

To the old woman -

‘Got a fag?’

The old woman obligingly gets her cigarettes out and gives her one and puts her packet away whilst the girl puts the cig in her mouth -

‘Got a light?’

The old woman gave her a light.

ANYWAY, yes. So I didn’t go to the City because I hung out on buses with some skinjobs.

So Friday came and I was all excited, as I usually am in the mornings. I was bathed, dressed and out of the house for 9.00. AB had worked out my itinerary for the day, insisting that I go to Borough Market, the Gherkin, Lloyds Building and Tower Bridge. He tutted louder and louder after hearing that I’d never seen any of these places. Of course I’d seen the Gherkin from the train, but never up close and my, how he tutted and shook his head upon hearing I’d never, ever seen Tower Bridge.

Well instead of going to Borough, or as the automated voice on the Northern Line tube says – Barra – which only sells food, I aimed to go and see the Thames Barrier in Greenwich instead. This meant going on the DLR (That’s Docklands Light Railway to you). There were going to be big floods on Friday and I wanted to see them and see the Barrier at work, but Bah! Not bloomin’ likely. NG wanted to come with me to see the Barrier and was pretty miffed and this was playing on my mind so I got off the DLR at Mudchute, which is in the middle of mumbo jumbo land and headed back to Canary Wharf for breakfast, deciding that the next time I go there, it would be with NG.

No puns please we’re Mudchute!

A glass ceiling in Canary Wharf!

The Docklands area is quite lively, as you would expect. Underneath the Station, there’s a whole shopping centre. I had breakfast in a cafe, sitting by a dark skinned woman who was in my eyeline. I was watching her eat her sandwich. She had big bulging eyes and floppy hair. I found myself constantly staring at her eyes as I thought they might pop out any moment now! She didn’t lift the sandwich to her mouth, she held it in her hands, kept her hands on the plate and lowered her head to the plate and every time she took a bite, she looked up. This made her resemble one of those little desk toy birds that go backwards and forwards and ‘drink’ water, only with eyes like ‘Eagle-Eye Action Man’ that has had his own eyes replaced with big marbles. POP! POP!

Next up – that oh so obviously man-made London erection – 30 St Mary Axe – The Gherkin.

Up close, this building is quite beautiful.

I reckon it’s a secret missile.

Miss Lix. Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Gherkin.